Monday, July 13, 2009

How Long Will We Believe in a Light So Dim ?

I've been feeling very melancholy lately. I'm not sure why. I'm quite a loner and sometimes I wish I were a typical college student; that I had people calling me up to hang out. I suppose it's my fault; I've been systematically shutting people out of my life I think. It's not that I don't like people, I'm just shy, and when I'm around people I feel awkward and inadequate because of my lack of conversation. Recently, I've been growing more and more distant, hanging out with people less and less, declining the rare invitation to hang out. Last night I walked around the pretty neighborhoods of Harrisonburg, reaching the top of the hill just as the sun went down. I was afraid of being home, afraid of being left alone with myself.

Whenever I get in this sort of mood, I can not stop listening to The BlackHeart Procession. I don't normally (ever) listen to indie music, but this is my exception. Their song "A Light So Dim" touches me because I can relate to it so (and also because in my head it conjures up images of a lonely woman atop a lighthouse staring longingly at the sea)

The Black Heart Procession- A Light So Dim
There are no trains that leave from the maze.
My only chance was a ship to escape.
If you are the light house in the storm,
I'll be the ship with a thousand dead souls.
How long will they believe in a light so dim?
Down in the gallows the darkness glows
it was hard to see in the hearts of them
if you see a light call down below.
I'll be moving and sorting out our fears.
How long will we believe in a light so dim?
Cause time is all we have so make the time
throw down the line I'll see to climb
if it's held close it may just work.
If you are the light house in the storm,
I'll be the ship filled with a thousand dead souls,
and time is all we have so take the time
to make the time and make time to take the time



  1. GIRL, the story of my life!! This post couldn't have come at a more serendipitous moment. Today, on the way home, I was thinking about trying to get out of this going away party for me at work in a couple of weeks all the while griping to myself about how it's sad I haven't made any really close friends here in this place I've lived in for ten years. This led me to remember this has been my pattern for MANY years. All through undergrad and even grad school (and now at work), I have had that same push-pull thing going on (feeling like an outsider, b/c I'm super introverted and protective about who I let into my little world all the time, but then going through many moments of melancholy over loneliness and longings for "real friends" who "get" me. Ha. impossible). Not sure I have figured out how to deal with this cycle myself, but blogging has been great that way. I feel closer to some blog-friends than to my real-life "friends." You can control the amount and frequency of contact and interactions, etc. Anyway, I didn't mean to make this about me. Just want ya to know I really relate, so you're not the only lady of the light-house.

  2. I can be a loner too. It can be hard, but I force myself to get out and see people when I get in those moods. I hope you feel better.

  3. We seem to all have one thing in common....I don't have many real friend's as I learned I'm afraid from high school not to bond well with other's who can be heartless and cruel when your a little different ....I never judge some one on the way they look,never put too much trust in another person's hand's..But this doesn't mean I should just curl up and die..We have so much to look forward too in many different way's...Teach the right way's were they are needed..You are beautiful and have a lot going for you..make sure you live it..

  4. You have a fellow lone soul in me too, honey. I've always been dreadfully shy and introverted (almost ridiculously so) and though I do enjoy the company of others (lol, I am married after all, so I didn't quite turn into a hermit), more often than not I've been a habitual loner by choice throughout my life. Those who are not quite as introverted themselves, sometimes fail to understand what life can be like for us, yet while there have been bleak moments, at the end of the day, more often than not I am happy and content with who I am and how I socialize (or not). Perhaps that's the key...accepting yourself the unique, wonderful, beautiful way you are.

    {{{Understanding hugs}}}